An oldie but goodie!

The Complete Military History of France

Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." The woman was Sainted.

Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually, the other participants started ignoring them.

War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War
- Tied

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States (rule #2). Thousands of French women not only find out what it's like to sleep with a winner, but also with someone who doesn't call you "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.