If you really loved me, you'd call me on your cell phone

"I know that 999 out of a thousand cell phone conversations are totally unnecessary. Who am I, you ask, to decide which calls are necessary and which aren't? Easy. A necessary call is one made to the auto club, letting them know you've run out of gas on the Hollywood Freeway, or a call to let someone know you're running a half-hour late because you got stuck behind some idiot who ran out of gas on the Hollywood Freeway. Otherwise, what's so urgent? As you see them posing all over town with their tiny phones, their brows furrowed in feigned concentration, pretending to be oblivious to everything around them, you can almost pity the poor souls. Who do they think they're fooling with their little charades? Are we supposed to assume that President Bush just called, wanting to know what to do about the Middle East peace talks, or that [Ben Bernanke] phoned, wanting to know if he should raise or lower the prime rate?... The fact is, none of us are buying the routine. We all know that you're just gossiping with your cousin Shirley or lying about your golf score or yakking incessantly about 'The Apprentice'. There's no harm in it... It just seems so darn goofy. The real mystery remains, why would anybody want to pack around a telephone? Is it possible that I am the only person in the world who doesn't want to be reachable 24 hours a day?" —Bert Prelutsky