Jewish Humor

You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, viz., Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others?

Don't you miss their humour? Not one single swear word in their comedy!

There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night.
I finally had to let her out.

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?"
The man says, "I make a good living."

I just got back from a pleasure trip.
I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years.
If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love?
"Honey, I'm home!"

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did.

Why do we always hold hands?
If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night.
Only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried!

She was at the beauty shop for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

I was just in London where there is a time difference...I'm still confused:
When I go to dinner, I feel sexy; when I go to bed, I feel hungry!

The doctor gave me six months to live.
I couldn't pay my bill, so the doctor gave me another six months.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."
Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

Doctor: "You'll live to be 70!"
Patient: "I AM 70!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest.
The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?"
The doctor said "That's what puzzles me!"

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till payday."
The Jewish fellow responded, "When's payday?"
The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one that's working!"

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
They want to.

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

Live well, Laugh often, & Love with all of your heart!

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favourite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdales.

A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good, " said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible! Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
"Because I don't want my mouth to be full of food if you should call."

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, "What part is it?
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said: "Lady I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself," she replied.

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.