And you?

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump and said:

"Reverend, I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip!"

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump walk into a bar...

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump walk into a bar and grab a booth. Donald leans over, and with a smile on his face, says:

“The media is really tearing you apart for that scandal.”

Hillary: “You mean the Mexican gun running?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean SEAL Team 6?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean the State Dept. lying about Benghazi?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean voter fraud?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean the military not getting their votes counted?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything else?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean the of drones in our own country without the benefit of the law?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Giving 123 Technologies $300 Million and right after it declared bankruptcy and was sold to the Chinese?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean Obama arming the Muslim Brotherhood?”

Trump: “No the other one:”

Hillary: “The IRS targeting conservatives?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “The DOJ spying on the press?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Sebelius shaking down health insurance executives?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Giving SOLYNDRA $500 MILLION DOLLARS and 3 months later they declared bankruptcy and then the Chinese bought it?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “The NSA monitoring citizens’ phone calls, emails and everything else?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Obama’s ordering the release of nearly 10,000 illegal immigrants from jails and prisons, and falsely blaming the sequester?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Obama’s threat to impose gun control by Executive Order in order to bypass Congress?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Obama’s repeated violation of the law requiring me to submit a budget no later than the first Monday in February?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “The 2012 vote where 115% of all registered voters in some counties voted 100% for Obama?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Obama’s unconstitutional recess appointments in an attempt to circumvent the Senate’s advise-and-consent role?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “The State Department interfering with an Inspector General investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Me, The IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “I give up!

… Oh wait, I think I got it! You mean that 65 million low-information voters who don’t pay taxes and get free stuff from taxpayers and stuck citizens again with the most pandering, corrupt administration in American history?”

Trump: “THAT’S THE ONE!”

RONALD REAGAN'S FAVORITE IRISH JOKE

Courtesy of TO THE POINT NEWS

An Irishman was walking along a beach in County Cork one day and noticed an encrusted bottle washed up on the sand.  Wondering what might be inside he broke it off at the neck and out popped an Irish Genie.

"Oh, me man, I hah been in tha bottle for a hundred years, and you be settin' me free!" he exclaimed.  "For that, I'll be givin' you two wishes!"

"Two wishes?  Anything I want?" the man asked incredulously.

"Anythin' - just name it," the genie replied.

"Well, what I'll be wantin'," said the man, "is a glass of good Irish ale - but a very special glass, so that no matter how much I drink it will always be full of good Irish ale."

Poof!  There it was in his hand.  The Irishman drank and drank and drank, and twenty minutes later, he hadn't made a dent.  The glass was still overflowing with wonderful Irish ale.

But by now the genie was getting impatient.

"Listen me man" he announced.  "I'm grateful for you settin' me free, but I was in that bottle for a long time and I've things to do.  So you'll be makin' your second wish now."

The Irishman thought for a moment, looked at the glass in his hand, and declared, "You know, I think I'll have another one of these!"

IQ

Guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where there's a robot bartender!

The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Whiskey."

The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says," 168."

The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, . . . but he is curious . . . So he goes back into the bar.

The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Whiskey." Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, 

"What's your IQ?" 

The guy says, "100."

The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser, the Saints and LSU Tigers.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. 

He goes back into the bar.

The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey.

The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says, "SO, . . . you people . ..still happy . . . with Obama?"

BEST JOKE OF 2012

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.

The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

The Egg Farmer

Johnny was in the egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens) called 'pullets' and ten roosters to fertilize them. He kept excellent records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, Obama, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed Obama's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John's amazement, Obama had thought of a way to do it without work, he had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of Obama, he entered him in the Chicago County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded Obama the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet Surprise as well.

Clearly, Obama was a politician. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Moral of the story?

Vote carefully next fall, the bells are not always audible.

The Visitor

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and a YSL tie leaned out the window and asked the cowboy

"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers

"Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC-connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says

"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

Bud replies

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves."

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man

"Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,

"Okay, why not?"

Bud says

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government."

The yuppie replies

"Wow! That's correct, but how did you guess that?"

The cowboy answers

"No guessing required. You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living--or about cows, for that matter...this is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog!

The Mother of All Jihadist Jokes

Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in a café chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat’s milk.

The older one pulls out photos of her children and shows them to the younger one.

“This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old. He’s a martyr now.”

The other says, “Yes, I remember when he was young, so sorry for your loss”.

“And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21” says the older mom.

“Oh yes, he had curly hair, I remember him” says the other mom.

“He’s a martyr now too”.

“Oh, so sad dear” says the younger mom.

“And this is my third son, my baby, my beautiful Ahmed. He would have 18.”

“Yes, I remember when he started school” says the younger one.

The older mom, with tears in her eyes, says, “He is a martyr now too.”

The younger one looks wistfully at the photographs and sighs deeply, searching for just the right comforting words, and says, “They blow up so fast, don’t they?”

Sacha Baron Cohen's Big Practical Joke!

What could it be???

Have you heard any new jokes about Chappaquiddick?

Ted Kennedy would ask people...

It's a joke

DAVENPORT, Iowa - Hillary Rodham Clinton said Sunday that President Bush should withdraw all U.S. troops from Iraq before he leaves office, asserting it would be "the height of irresponsibility" to pass the war along to the next commander in chief.

[Read: I want to be the next President, but I don't want to deal with Iraq.]

One questioner asked Clinton if her track record showed she could stand up to "evil men" around the world.

"The question is, we face a lot of dangers in the world and, in the gentleman's words, we face a lot of evil men and what in my background equips me to deal with evil and bad men," Clinton said. She paused to gaze while the audience interrupted with about 30 seconds of laughter and applause.

Meeting later with reporters, she was pressed repeatedly to explain what she meant. She insisted it was a simple joke.

This could be our next President?

Ha Ha

Sign language

SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW

"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN"

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia.

You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business and that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back. But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement . . .

We are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty--and after all, it is just a sign!

You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?

Answer: A Funeral Home

(Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)

You gotta love it!

God Bless America!!!

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane

The Funnies for the Week
Courtesy of Stephen Frank's California Political News & Views

1. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

2. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.

3. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

4. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

5. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

6. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

7. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

8. Just remember---if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.

9. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

10 Life isn’t like a box of chocolates....it’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

Who are you?

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers,

"Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

You're a Democratic Congressman in the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie Democratic Congressman, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog!

A Homeless Woman

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.

"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. " I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, " I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight.

The homeless Woman was astounded.

"Won't your hubby be furious with you for doing that?" I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.

The Four Great Religious Truths

It's important for those of all faiths to recognize these four religious truths:


1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.


2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.


3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian World.


4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.

Fundamental difference

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The florist is pleased and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."

Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.

(And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between left and right...)