You might be a progressive if….

You propose a 15% increase in a program’s budget, and when the legislature scales it back to 12%, you riot over “draconian cuts” to “vital services.”

You’re more worried about a possible one degree rise in the Earth’s temperature next century than about Iran giving terrorists an A-bomb to produce a 10,000 degree rise in New York’s temperature next year.

You think racial discrimination is the worst evil there is, unless it’s discriminating against Asians and whites to satisfy your desire for diversity at your university.

You think getting Rush off the air is more important to women than ending FGM.

You don’t know what FMG is.

You think not giving free birth control to middle class college students is a “war on women,” but have nothing to say about Honor Killings, the stoning of rape victims, forced child marriages for nine-year-old girls, throwing acid in the faces of school girls for trying to get educated and female genital mutilation in Muslim countries, because “all cultures are equally valid.” Except, of course, the Western culture that nurtured you and made you prosperous.

You’re a big fan of the First Amendment, as long as you can ban anything you disagree with as “hate speech.”

You think Hitler who killed 20+ million people is the embodiment of evil, but Mao, who killed 60+ million people, is one of your favorite philosophers.

You think Sarah Palin is a dangerous radical who promotes violence, but dress your kid in a Ché Guevara tee shirt, because when Ché said, “Crazy with fury I will stain my rifle red while slaughtering any enemy that falls in my hands! My nostrils dilate while savoring the acrid odor of gunpowder and blood,” it was just so cute.

You think Andrew Breitbart deserved to die, but believe that it's barbaric to execute someone who rapes and murders a child.

You thought “Piss Christ” was wonderful art and deserved taxpayer funding, but that any newspaper publishing the Danish cartoons should be punished for insulting Islam and inciting riots.

You’re sorry that Dick Chaney survived his heart transplant, but are too timid to say so.

You think it’s racist to demand an ID to vote, but not to buy booze and tobacco or to cash checks, fly or drive, because minorities don’t need to do those things.

You look forward to the day when everyone either works for the government or lives on government assistance, and have no concerns as to where the money will come from to pay for that, because then the rich will be "paying their fair share."

You think requiring government employees to contribute to their health care insurance and pension costs at anything close to the rate of employees in the private sector is "union busting."

You think people oppose Barack Obama's policies out of pure racism, while you oppose the views of Clarence Thomas, Condi Rice, Thomas Sowell, Alan West and Michelle Malkin out of pure principle.

You are ready to save the planet...short of personal sacrifice. But you are always okay with making others sacrifice for your goals.

You believe the general run of people--though not of course you--need government to make decisions for them, for their own good.

You are convinced that anyone who doesn't think like you about the world is evil, stupid or both.

You believe that a central planning board can make better economic decisions for everyone than millions of people making billions of decisions daily can do for themselves.

You believe that a little vote fraud from time to time isn't really a bad thing, if it advances the enlightened candidates and progressive programs you support.

You are still sure that majority black rule replacing evil minority white rule was good for the black people of Zimbabwe, despite hyper-inflation destroying their economy, a shift from exporting food to starvation as farms—but not the work ethic or farming knowledge—were taken from white farmers and given to blacks, and a drop in black life expectancy from 63 to about 36. After all, one can't make an omelet without breaking eggs. Just not your eggs.

You believe that people are basically good, it's just circumstances and institutions that make them do bad things, so a heroin-addicted gang-banger who has committed rape and murder can be reformed. (Republicans not so much.) As long as the half-way house isn't in your gated community.

You believe the 47% of the population who pay no federal income tax are paying more than their fair share, while the 5% of the population who pay 60% of the federal income tax aren't paying near their fair share.

You believe all people have equal potential--except for black people who need special help and rules like affirmative action if they are to be able to compete with white people.

You think the way to bring down gas prices is to raise taxes on oil companies.

You think higher taxes on big business will make them move jobs to the US.

You believe that a country can borrow its way to prosperity, though you know that doesn't work for families or organizations very well.

You think that capitalism is an evil system, but would never consider relocation to a non-capitalist country as you couldn't do without all the comforts and the living standard capitalism provides.

You believe in separation of church and state, but that public government-funded universities should pay for foot baths to aid Muslims to worship.

You believe that both white and black-owned banks giving loans at high rates to whites than blacks, and at higher rates to Asians than to whites, based on credit histories, is evidence of racial discrimination and required government intervention in the housing market. And that had nothing to do with the collapse in housing prices when the bubble created by speculation burst.

You believe that people who speculated in houses, buying more house than they could afford or several houses to flip,  betting that the price would always go up, must be bailed out by the taxpayers because the price went down “to keep them in their homes.” You don’t feel the same way about people who speculated in stocks.

You believe that water-boarding three or four terrorists to get information to save lives was far more evil than using drones to make a red smear of scores of terrorists and everyone who happened to be around them when the rockets struck.

You believe that Democracy is the highest goal and always support fulfilling the will of the people, unless, of course, the people are so stupid as to want Obamacare repealed, voter ID laws, the enforcement of immigration laws, concealed carry laws or other things you are opposed to.

You believe that wealthy liberals like the Obamas deserves to send their kids to the best possible private schools, but that doesn't apply to poor black kids, who must go to whatever school is best for the teachers’ union.

You get annoyed at those old guys who stand and salute when the flag goes by, blocking your view of the parade for a moment

You believe that the US taxpayers should finance both countries that want to destroy us and the UN, which they use to undermine our freedom.

You think the US should be more like Europe, and can’t understand why Europe, with shorter working hours, higher taxes, fewer people in the work force, longer mandated vacations, earlier retirement, and better government-funded benefits should be in such economic trouble.

You think everyone should be forced or intimidated into joining a union and thus be compelled to make political contributions to progressive candidates in the pursuit of Social Justice.

You believe that international opinion and the UN should trump US opinion and the Congress.

You tend to think of Communists as just fellow progressives with guns and guts.

You think the only problem with the USSR, Cuba, China and other socialist regimes is that the wrong people got in charge and you and your friends will do it right next time.

You think attacking Iraq with the okay of Congress was a war crime, but attacking Libya without congressional approval was no big deal.

You think we had to take out Gaddafi for “killing his own people,” but should have left Saddam alone, though he killed far more of his own people.

You wear a hoodie to remember Trayvon Martin, but never heard of Christopher Cervini. And aren’t interested, since Christopher was an unarmed white teen, shot dead by a black man who was acquitted.

You hate fascism, but have no idea what the fascist economic system was or how much their state corporatism resembles today’s US government rewarding companies that do the government’s bidding.

You think a Muslim screaming "Allah Akbar" as he murdered 13 Americans was "workplace violence," nothing to do with Islam or terrorism.

Every attack on Americans by Muslims increases your conviction that Homeland Security needs to keep a better eye on veterans and evangelical Christians.

Your commitment to multiculturalism has produced a growing fondness for Islamists which makes you wonder if Hitler didn't have a point about Jews, those Apes and Pigs of the Qur'an.

You aren’t crazy about Hugo Chavez, but admire how he doesn’t tolerate criticism of progressive policies in the media or from opponents. Sometimes an iron fist is required.

When Muslims murder infidels, including children, you think the Muslims are the victims because there could be a “backlash.” That there are daily murders in the name of Allah, with few signs of any backlash, doesn’t stop your handwringing over the possibility.

You are continually surprised when Communists act like Communists, tribal groups act like tribal groups, theocratic barbarians act like theocratic barbarians, and the lower classes are too stupid to understand that your policies are for their own good.

You think that it only takes one side to make a peace, no matter how violent, warlike and determined to dominate the other side is. And you know that bowing helps make them respect us.

You think if the Jews in Germany in 1935 had just had “Coexist” bumper stickers on their cars, everything would have been fine.

You still think the Rosenbergs got a raw deal just for helping equalize the arms race.

You’re not sure about God, but think everyone should accept Global Warming on faith. Even though the pro-global warming scientists say there has been none since 1995.

You have not studied economics, political theory, foreign policy or history at all, but instantly know the right solution for any public policy question. Why study when you know all the answers?

You feel terrible for the OWS folks who took out large loans from the taxpayers to pay liberal university professors to educate them in Peace Studies or Sociology, who can’t find a six-figure job working 20 hours a week.

You thought high gas prices under Bush were his fault, but that higher gas prices under Obama are the market’s fault. But if gas prices drop, you’ll credit Obama.

You think the Law of Supply and Demand should be declared unconstitutional, because it is so clearly anti-progressive and hurts your quest for “Social Justice.” Maybe gravity, too.

You are willing to overlook any number of murders, oppression and terror by foreign despots as long as they hate America and freedom sufficiently.

You can’t recall a time in your adult life when you weren’t lobbying to free some downtrodden murderer who, if you met him in a dark alley, would cause you to wet your pants.

You no longer debate opposing points of view, because it’s easier and more fun to dismiss them as “racist,” “Islamophobic,” “flat Earth thinking,” or part of a “War on Women.” Or whatever the smear of the day.

You are sure that all of your opinions are enshrined in the Constitution.

Your first instinct is always to punish the productive and reward the unproductive. Thus ensuring less production.

You think raising taxes on companies that produce goods will cause them to lower the price of the goods.

You think Obama ignoring Congress with Czars, executive orders and recess appointments is great, and can’t wait for his second term when he can ignore the voters as well.

Robert A. Hall

www.tartanmarine.blogspot.com