The best argument against school vouchers ever!

Dear Constituents, Parents, Friends & Union Workers:

I oppose school vouchers and charters because I want our private schools to
remain private!

My children attend private school with the well-mannered children of union officials, politicians, celebrities, and business leaders. We prefer private schools because, when there's a problem, we can deal with it immediately.

Because people like me care about working-class children, my children deserve a safe campus, far from the unruly children that public schools attract. Can you imagine Senator Feinstein or Steven Spielberg appealing to a public school board because a gang member threatened their children?

Outrageous!

Politicians, union leaders, and affluent people like me don't deserve to have our private schools infested with ordinary children, nor should we expect competition when our children apply for private universities like Princeton or Harvard. As long as you help us keep our educational aristocracy intact, we will protect public education from Republicans who would otherwise destroy it with dangerous charter and
voucher schemes.

It's not that I harbor ill will toward working-class parents or their offspring. As long as they remain loyal union workers and vote for the correct political candidates, we'll make sure that their working-class children will have trade schools and community colleges to attend. We want them to succeed - we only ask that they know their place.

Low- and middle-class parents should not presume that their children are equal to ours, nor can we expect them to understand the complicated social intricacies involved in educating their children. I don't expect middle- and low-class parents to understand what Mayor Villaraigosa, the School Board, and our benevolent leadership knows.

Ordinary people should trust us to protect them from our local and state political enemies, and we're happy to spend another two or three decades overseeing the education of their children, as long as they permit ours to succeed in schools far from third-world schoolyard infestations. We need to keep public schoolchildren well-nourished (fat) and feeling good about themselves (ignorant) because smart children are harder to control when they grow up, find success, and start voting.

We cared for our slaves, but Republicans forced us to let them go. We outlawed Negro education, but Republicans forced us to teach them. We built Negro schools, but Republicans forced us to desegregate. We've made so many compromises already that no one should expect our children to mix with unruly illegal aliens, white trash, and ill-tempered Negro children. It's just not natural.

So, the next time you hear about vouchers, make sure to vote against them!

As long as LAUSD stays strong, we promise to protect public education and your union jobs.

And remember, Live Better - Work Union!

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"The Argument Against School Vouchers" posted here on 8/20/06.